Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.*P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.*P: Something loose in cockpitS: Something tightened in cockpit*P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on back-order.*P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.*P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.*P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.*P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That’s what friction locks are for.*P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.S: IFF always. Period one was English, thenGeography, break...French...lunch...PE(cricket) then Tech...homeworkfrom Geography and French...Mike initially panicked when it looked asif the was Madame Lenor was going to keep them behind because Clivekept talking in class...and exhaled when there was no such disruption.Back to Miss Connor for registration before the end of the day...thenthe bus home.At home, Mike chilled out till half 4, then homework, the dinner, Dadwas home in time for the match. He was also surprised at Mike'sconfidence...after all...when was the last time England had beaten oneof the big teams? His confidence proved not to be misplaced though. Thepair were loud enough with Shearer's opening penalty and remained on ahigh at half time. The second half...well, Sheringham made it two,Shearer got his second...at which point Mike's Mum had to tell the pairof them to calm down but they were beyond caring at that point.Sheringham got his second and Kluivert's consolation was worse news.
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